Two Issues Threatening A Marriage Part II

Hi Friends,

Let”s move on with Part II of the two issues threatening a marriage.  First of All and most important!!!!

Get Past Accepting Spouse’s Viewpoint as a Threat

For some, accepting another person’s point of view in an argument is threatening to them. If you give in to your spouse and accept their points, does that mean an end to you and your valid points?

Some spouses will “cave” to the other spouse, while inside, they’re thinking “your arguments are invalid, but in order to keep the peace…” This leads to contempt of one’s partner – a sure-fire indicator of ultimate marriage failure.

What you need to work on is your own perception, and try a different means of resolving conflicts in your marriage. Here are three steps to help you successfully resolve conflict with your spouse while removing any sense of threat to your own well-being and point of view:

Step #1: Find a Feeling You can Validate

The next time your spouse and you are butting heads, consciously stop and listen to what your spouse is saying. Nod your head to encourage them to express themselves fully, not commenting but really listening thoroughly to what they’re saying. Once they have said their piece, find a feeling that they’ve expressed that you feel comfortable validating.

For example, if your spouse says, “And when you say things like that, it makes me feel insignificant.” Are you comfortable in validating this feeling they are expressing, acknowledging that it is something they perceive and are experiencing?

Step #2: Find a Compromise Point

Let’s take the previous example one step further. Can you find a compromise point where you would both have some degree of satisfaction with the resolution? If your comments are perceived by your spouse as making them feel insignificant, you could possibly ask them what language specifically makes them uncomfortable, and then offer to find other ways to express your point of view.

Step #3: Refuse to Allow Your Feelings to be Invalidated

Just as important as validating your spouse’s point of view and feelings are your point of view and feelings: accepting that your spouse’s feelings are valid does not make yours become invalidated. If you approach each conflict with your spouse with this mindset, you won’t feel that sense of threat that you’re about to lose a piece of yourself in resolving the conflict.

My best to you and your spouse as you work together to save your marriage and give one another equal regard.

Do you think that your spouse and you give one another equal regard?

When it comes to conflict and arguments, do you feel you cave in to your spouse?

Is it possible for you and your spouse to learn to listen to each other’s expressions about your feelings, and discover that it’s not about right/wrong, but about an individual’s perception?

Please share your ideas and personal experiences with other members of the community.

Thanks for stopping by and I hope this helps,

larry@savemymarriagediscussion.com

About Laurence

Hi friends, when I began this blog 2 years ago I was at the end of what turned out to be a 51year marriage. My wife succumbed to cancer on 12/6/11 and life has not been the same since. It was and still is my goal here to promote long term marriages. There are many reasons this is difficult today, but I still believe it is possible and via this blog I will be trying to suggest steps you BOTH can take to save your marriage. Thank you
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