Just because you have entered marriage does not mean you lose your independence. Part I of a II part series on the responsibility you have to one another to maintain some sort of independece. Remembering that you cannot call upon you partner to meet all of you lifes needs.
Whether you’re dealing with your spouse’s infidelity or your marriage has simply fallen into a rut, you need to hit the pause button a second and ask yourself:
Have I lost my independence?
Read on to find out why the answer to this question could potentially save your marriage.
Is it a Question of Me versus Us?
When you and your spouse took your marriage vows, you understood that you were “two becoming one.” But many couples may take this idea too literally, thinking they both need to shed their previous lives like so much dead skin.
Sure, a married couple does need to focus attention on developing a life together with shared interests. It’s the glue of a marriage, no doubt. But don’t forget the things that drew you to one another in the first place: you had common ground and interests you shared, but being your own person – you also had interests that you came into the relationship with.
This is what made you unique over all others, the combination of ingredients that brought the right amount of spice to your connection with your future beloved.
When you drop these interests that you had, you’re stepping into an arena of dissatisfaction, which we’ll look at next.
Independence and Neglect of Needs
There’s nothing in a marriage agreement that says you have to give up your interests.
So why do so many couples fall into this trap?
Many couples start out with the very best of intentions: they put their focus and energies into making the relationship work. Think of the “honeymoon” phase: you can’t get enough of each other, you want to spend every waking minute together, and you want to do everything together.
This is only natural. The honeymoon phase is like a cocoon that you and your spouse pull around yourselves as you seal yourselves together. What generally occurs during this time, however, is a disconnect from your regular interests, such as his love of catching every college football game or her adoration of shopping for home furnishings.
But as the honeymoon phase fades, each spouse can begin to feel “unfulfilled.” The other partner is not supplying all of their needs 24/7, and they question their spouse’s ability to fulfill those needs.
Many have forgotten that they once met their own needs through their own varied interests!
Now, they’re feeling neglected, but what’s really being neglected is being fully themselves – in whatever way they originally came into the relationship. This may be why some cheaters use the reason, “my needs weren’t being met.” They’re blaming their spouse for something they themselves have created: a situation in which they have not paid attention to their own needs, but mistakenly think it’s the fault of their spouse.
So, let’s look at assessing your needs and how to reclaim the independent part of you that made you truly a full partner in your relationship. As you grow, you bring something new to the relationship – a spark that can be translated into good feelings throughout your relationship.
Let’s act like adults and bring something to the marriage table besides needs. Part II coming soon.
hoping this helps,