What happened to conversation between you and your spouse? Do you feel a real disconnect with them now, nothing like when you were first dating and talking all over each other?
Lets look at how to stoke those fires once again and ignite one of the major tools for deepening intimacy.
Intimacy In Your Marriage… How Can You Get Some More of It?
It would be one thing if you and your spouse never had good conversations. Then, you might not miss it as much. Still, watching others smiling and laughing and conversing until their hoarse… and then comparing the trickle you and your partner may now share that sounds something like this:
“How was your day?”
Well, rest assured it’s going to be difficult to get the passion moving in the other areas of your life together. Or maybe there’s passion there, but the other 95% of the time spent outside of the bedroom are dull and disconnected.
Intimacy is not just about sharing yourself physically with someone. It’s also sharing an emotional bond with them, too. Sex is just sex, a transaction, without intimacy. Most people crave intimacy with another human being, to have someone in their life who really knows them at a deeper level than just “Hi, how was your day,” or “Does that feel okay?”
To get more intimacy with your spouse, you need to make a decision: that neither of you should settle for less when it comes to sharing your inner selves.
And, you may just have to go first. Don’t be nervous: I’m going to give you a tool that helps you to do it.
The Intimacy-Deepening Tool
Let’s go back to that dinner table in the restaurant again. Do you find yourself sitting there and thinking, “Why doesn’t my partner say something interesting?”
Waiting for the other person to go, well… you may have a long wait. Maybe your spouse just isn’t as in touch with handling these issues the way you are. After all, you’re here reading this today, trying to discover a way to improve your marriage. No offense against your spouse, but if they’re reading the entertainment section of Yahoo, they might not be ready to take a lead role in this.
So, turn that question on its head about why won’t your partner say something interesting. Instead, how about, “Why don’t I ask my partner something interesting?”
And the way you do this is by showing interest. When we take an interest in someone, they become more interesting. It’s like touching a lit match to some dry tinder. Before the lit match touched it, it was just dry tinder. After the match lit it up, it burned bright.
Think of yourself as a lit match, and ignite your spouse. Here are 3 starter questions to get you both smiling and talking with the great merriment you see elsewhere in the restaurant:
Starter question 1: “What projects are you working on at work right now?”
Most people enjoy sharing what they’re working on, and that’s because most people feel successful in what they do for a living. If you want to see someone become animated, ask them that as a starter question.
When your spouse answers, hopefully with something more than “not much,” then ask follow up questions such as: “What kind of deadline do you have?” and “Do you have to do a lot of research” or “Do you have others helping you with it?”
Starter question 2: “How was your last golf game?”
Or fill in the blank, whatever your partner’s hobby is. People love to talk about their hobbies, and your showing interest in what interests your spouse makes you a hero (or heroine) in their eyes.
Again, ask follow up questions to show you’re just not going through the motions.
Starter question 3: “If you could travel to one place, where would it be and why?”
Everyone has an inner dreamer, and something that sparks their imagination or inner fire. You could substitute this question with, “If you could do anything, what would it be?”
Then, sit back and listen to your partner dream. Ask follow up questions.
And try not to be too amazed when you learn something new—and interesting—about your partner.
My best to you in deepening intimacy by showing interest.
Does your marriage resemble the couple at the quiet table in the restaurant?