Almost every marriage has it’s own personal version of the “Groundhog
Day” movie scenario. It seems that the same issue or issues crop up over
and over and over again, and no true resolution is ever reached.
What Is Your Marriage “Groundhog Day?”
Stop a moment and think about what your personal marriage “groundhog day” may be. One major clue is anything you and your partner repeatedly argue over.
So, you have your argument, each emphatically stating your position on the subject. At some point, whether you’ve both blown your top or simply walked away in disgust, you let it drop.
And maybe you even thought you’d put the issue to bed finally.
But next thing you know, it crops up again. And again. And again. It’s like a boomerang that keeps coming back, no matter how often you throw it with all your might in a direction away from you.
I don’t want to sound rude, but have you ever heard that cutesy saying about the definition of insanity? It’s doing the same thing over and over and getting the same result.
That’s not really the definition of insanity, but I’m sure you get the idea. It would be like walking over to a wall, banging your head into it, saying “Ow, that hurts,” and then keep repeating the sequence over and over until you’re unconscious.
The idea here is that, at some point, a healthy person is going to stop doing that. It doesn’t feel good to have a very bad headache, and it doesn’t look good to have a huge bruise spread across your forehead.
This brings me to a big question: do you want to have a healthy marriage with your partner?
I doubt I have any readers saying “No, no thanks, not me…” Of course, all rational, sane people want a healthy relationship. And yet, we can undermine our marriage by letting issues continuously slide.
These issues are called core issues, which means they run deep. That explains why they keep coming up and aren’t easily resolved.
Tip #1: Perform a Core Issue Investigation
Keep a little list of any disagreements, arguments or general head-butting you and your spouse do. What this does is #1: helps you stay conscious of your interactions with your spouse, and #2: unearths patterns.
And it’s these patterns that will identify what your marriage’s core issues are. You’ll see that you can categorize them in some way, or that they’re a sticking point you return to over and over again.
Tip #2: Bring up the Core Issue
Once you’ve identified the core issue or issues, discuss it with your spouse. Point out that it’s something you both return to over and over again, and ask if they’ve noticed the same thing. No doubt, what you reveal won’t be any surprise to them, and you’ll both probably just be amazed that it really is a recurring theme in your marriage.
Tip #3: Talk it Out
Once you both agree that you have a core issue, ask, “Why can’t we resolve this?” Maybe you need to hear from your spouse: “I hear you, I respect your opinion, but I have a different viewpoint.” Or, maybe your spouse never received an apology from you about something.
The thing about core issues is this: they’re better dragged out into the open, where you and your spouse can examine them together as a team, then to reside as an undercurrent in your marriage that constantly pulls you both under.
My best to you in bringing your core issues into the light.
Do you and your spouse have a personal “groundhog day,” where you relive the same issue over and over?