There may be some effort put forth, such as nice gestures and kind words. But there’s something underlying those efforts that could be sabotaging your attempts at solving the “how to save my marriage” puzzle .
Saving Your Marriage Alone
Read on to find out what could be sabotaging your marriage…
This Toxic Element Can Kill a Marriage
You spend time asking yourself “how can I save my marriage” and then brainstorming nice things you can do for your spouse to try to improve your marriage.
Let’s say, for example, you decide to make a really nice home-cooked meal for your spouse. It’s a great gesture to show your caring for him or her and your desire to be giving of yourself.
So your husband or wife is running late and doesn’t call to let you know how long they’ll be. You’re feeling exasperated because you’d timed the dinner to be ready five minutes before their arrival, and now the gravy is congealing.
When your spouse arrives, he or she apologizes for being late. To keep the peace, you say: “Oh, it happens. How come you didn’t call?” But you’re thinking: You’re always late and inconsiderate – you never call.
Your spouse says, “Oh, I forgot my phone today.”
“Oh,” you respond, but you’re inside you’re saying, You’d lose your head if it wasn’t attached.
Do you see what’s happening here? There are two different conversations taking place: one verbal, one hidden. And, it’s this hidden conversation that may very well be the conduit through which toxicity is leaking into your marriage.
In cognitive therapy, this underlying conversation shows where we really exist emotionally in terms of what we think about our spouse and ourselves in relation to him or her.
Meanwhile, your spouse more than likely has their own hidden conversation. Their inner dialogue may have been, He/she is always attacking me.
You both fall into an underlying pattern that puts you on opposing sides: anger on the part of one spouse, and victimhood on the part of the other.
What happens is both spouses get stuck in a groove of remaining on high alert for behavior on the part of their spouse which confirms their thoughts: if you mention something about your spouse being late, even in a neutral way, he or she may begin to hear it as an attack, and they fall into their internal dialogue that confirms your victimization of them.
So how do you stop these toxic thoughts? Read on for 3 tips to clean up your internal dialogue…
Sweep Out Toxic Thoughts,
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