Here are 11 steps you can take as your New Years Resolutions to make your marriage better.
1. You react rather than act. You focus almost exclusively on what is occurring around you. You worry about what s/he will say or not say, will do or not do next. You watch. You always have one eye “out there.” You wait. You worry. Something happens, or doesn’t happen and then you react.
2. You feel like you have no control. You feel powerless. You feel victimized. You feel like a leaf blowing in the wind. You feel like you are at the mercy of your spouse or that significant other.
3. You doubt yourself. It seems as if you have lost your self. Your self esteem feels at an all time low. You doubt than you have anything to give or have any words to utter that will be heard or hold power. You cannot articulate what is unique or of value about you. You find it difficult to trust your desires or your thoughts and insights. Doubt is a constant friend.
4. Your spouse usually does not know how to respond helpfully to your worry. How you express your worry, i.e. the look on your face, your body language, your tone of voice and/or the words you use, trigger his/her worry. His/her level of worry is intensified.
5. You revert to old patterns of coping with your worry. How do you typically handle your worry? What do you do when it ramps up? What do you do when the constant thoughts and feelings of worry are triggered by the worry of your partner or spouse? Do you attack? Do you avoid? Do you cry? Do you scream? Do you run away? Do you fight? Do you get quiet? Do you shut down? Do you get sick? Do you “kick the dog?”
6. Your worry may set up a cycle of doing or saying something “stupid,” that you know is “stupid,” but it comes out anyway, since you’ve done it before and there seem to be few filters on your thoughts, feelings and actions when you are grabbed by worry. And once it comes out, you go, “Oh crap, I did it again!” And, then you emotionally beat and deride yourself. This adds another level of worry and tension.
7. Worry tends to push you in the direction of seeing your partner or spouse as the enemy. It’s you vs him/her. S/he, during these moments, is your adversary. You must argue. You must convince. You must placate. You must oppose – all in the name of making your point to someone who is against you.
8. You want to protect your feelings rather than confront effectively. You go into a protection mode. You shrink away from what you really want to say and either say it in an abrasive manner or don’t say it at all. You hide you, for fear of the possible rejection you may encounter.
9. You want to protect rather than give. You become so absorbed in the protection theme, you feel so overwhelmed by the overwhelm and worry that the thought of giving and sharing of yourself is not considered. As well, at that moment, you believe you have very little, if any, to offer.
10. You feel like your life is shrinking, constricting and the joy, freedom and fun are lost. You become consumed with your worry. Your life is narrowed to your own lack and how your partner or spouse contributes to that lack. It seems as if you marriage and life is living a slow but certain death.
11. You, your spouse and your marriage or relationship explodes. You attempt for so long to “keep the lid on” and eventually all hell breaks loose. S/he wants a divorce. Infidelity becomes a major issue as a third party becomes part of the drama. S/he walks out. S/he becomes depressed. The addiction becomes severe. Your children start acting out. A serious illness enters the picture. Some other catastrophe breaks the painful silence.
These 11 problems can be steps to take in making your marriage healthy.
Here are 11 steps you can take as your New Years Resolutions to make your marriage Here is a guide that can help you begin to enjoy your marriage.
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