Marriage And Those Ugly Control Issues

It’s possible to micromanage your marriage right into failure.

Do you know how that’s done

Marriage And Control

Over Control Your Marriage At Your Risk


In this blog, lets look at how micromanagement leaves the workplace and enters the marriage zone—and can ultimately destroy your relationship if you don’t get a grip on it.

What Your Over Control Issue is Really Saying to Your Spouse

If your obsession to control  everything your spouse does, guess what: you are turning him or her off big time.

Think about it: it’s kind of hard to get turned on by someone who basically thinks you’re an idiot.

Of course, you don’t mean to convey such an impression to your spouse. That would be cruel, right? And yet, many people allow “control” to seep into their marriage and sour things between themselves and their partner.

We all recognize control. If you’ve been in the work force for any length of time, odds are good that you’ve worked for a control “nut”. You are given tasks to do, which become your responsibility. You know what to do and how to do it, and yet…

You find your micromanager hovering over you, asking questions about your progress, the way you’re doing things, how much time you’re taking. Basically, leaving little doubt in your mind that this person does not trust you to do the job.

So you want to shout, “Back off! I know what I’m doing, and I could do what I need to do if you’d give me some space to breathe!”

But of course, you don’t, because you like your job and want to keep it. However, inside you are feeling pressured, and self-doubt is beginning to creep in: do I really know what I’m doing?

All in all, your experience with a controller does not feel good. You don’t feel positive and upbeat. Instead, you feel broken and worn down.

So let’s look at control in the context of your marriage.

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Oops… Someone Left the Door Open for…Over Control

Let’s say your partner takes on a particular responsibility in your marriage. It could be something as simple as mowing the lawn or loading up the dishwasher. Whatever it is, it’s their gig, right?

But someone who falls into the trap of attempting to control  others can’t seem to let go of the idea that the way things are done should resemble exactly how they themselves would do it: all other ways are just dead wrong.

You criticize their technique, methodology and thought process. Then, you tell them in exquisite detail how they should be doing it.

Your partner stands there before you, feeling like a child who is being chastised.

Turn off.

If you are guilty of trying to control your spouses methods of accomplishing things, you can make it stop—there is hope. Here’s how:

Tip #1: If It’s Theirs, Let It Go

There’s a saying that if you want something done right, then do it yourself. Kind of harsh, isn’t it?

The idea you may want to employ instead is, if it’s not my responsibility to handle, trust that my spouse can handle it just fine.

If it’s that important to you, whatever the task may be, then don’t give up responsibility for it and handle it yourself. Pick your battles, right?

Tip #2: When You Feel the Urge to Criticize, Flip It

Oh, it’s on the tip of your tongue: you want to make a comment about your spouse’s clothing choices, or the way your spouse has done their hair, or the way they trimmed the hedges… you want to give some “helpful” advice on a “better” way to do things…

Don’t do it. Instead, when you feel that urge to make a “how to do it better” comment, look for something else your spouse has done that you can compliment and praise.

Think for a moment what that will do: you can take a situation that would have been a total turn-off if you’d uttered those controlling words, and instead turned it into a turn-on because you are lavishing some positive feedback on your spouse.

My best to you in removing those controlling tendencies from your marriage.

Do you have a tendency to control?

If so, what is the worst that can happen if it’s not done your way?

Please share your thoughts by leaving a comment below.

About Laurence

Hi friends, when I began this blog 2 years ago I was at the end of what turned out to be a 51year marriage. My wife succumbed to cancer on 12/6/11 and life has not been the same since. It was and still is my goal here to promote long term marriages. There are many reasons this is difficult today, but I still believe it is possible and via this blog I will be trying to suggest steps you BOTH can take to save your marriage. Thank you
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