Your Marriage is Most likely a Mess
By Dr. Bob Huizenga
Your marriage is most likely a mess.
Why do I say that?
Well, because most marriages are.
The divorce rate has hovered around 50% for decades. Of the other 50%, how many couples (or one person or both in the marriage) do you suppose are THINKING about divorce? Of the remaining 50%, how many do you suppose choose, for a wide variety of reasons – economics, values, for the children, etc. – to stay in a messy marriage?
9 out of 10 couples in a study taken some time ago indicated they were “unhappy” in their marriage.
I’ve specialized in marital infidelity over the past decade and I estimate that up to 80% of couples experience one spouse or the other at some point in the marriage, emotionally or sexually straying in one form or another.
So, if you are unhappy or distraught in your marriage, you are NOT alone.
I want to drive this point home, since I’ve experienced in my clinical practice those who believe that if they have a marital problem or are “unhappy” with their marriage, something is wrong with them. They don’t measure up. Because the romance has faded they think the marriage or they as a person are doomed. They feel guilt and shame when they perceive family members or friends to have that “perfect” marriage. They are embarrassed and reluctant to share their dissatisfaction with their marriage with others.
A great many carry on, living a life of quiet desperation and emptiness, not knowing almost everyone they meet are experiencing the same reality with their marriage.
I hope knowing that you are not alone, in and of itself, relieves some of your pain or feeling that you are “weird.”
Also, I hope this knowledge does not generate an aura of hopelessness.
I believe marriages or relationships of mutual investment, as I like to call them, can be healthy and a source of immeasurable joy (note: I did NOT say happiness.) It is possible to achieve a lasting and satisfying emotional connection.
To attain that lasting and deeply satisfying emotional connection, in our western culture at least, a journey of relearning must take place. Also, as you move on this new path you will be aware of specific shifts you must make in your thinking and acting to redesign your marriage in accordance with beliefs and actions that bring that satisfaction and that connection.
Best Wishes as you both work to retain the best gift God has given you – your marriage.