I copied this guest submission from the Marriage Sherpa people who seriously help people rebuild there mariages after an affair. But, I though the topic deserved on a post where we are trying to save marriages and particularly before they reach the adultery stage.
Here it is.
Hi, this is Stephanie withMarriage Sherpa. Is your marriage in shreds because you can’t break freefrom highly toxic arguments that make you feel like your spouse just lit amatch to your innards?
You may both be neutrally hijacked and don’t even know it.
You and your spouse try to engage in some kind of well-established communication technique such as “active listening” only to have the entire process fall apart because your spouse say’s one simple thing whichsounds off all kinds of internal sirens and feels like a poisoned arrow straight into your heart?
Within milliseconds, your face turns the color of a boiled lobster; your heart feels like it’s practically leaping out of your chest and you explode with rage and fear well before your conscious mind even has a chance to grasp what’s happening.
What just happened?
Your Brain Just Got Hijacked by Your Amygdala!
The amygdala is the small almond-sized structure located at thetop of the brain-stem and it’s mostly responsible for emotional memory.
Science is now pretty clear that our mind is not one mind, butseveral and two of the brain’s seven executive operating systems areactivated by the amygdala and neuroscientists call these two systems RAGEand FEAR.
The amygdala is responsible for interpreting a situation andletting your brain know if it’s good, bad or dangerous. If it’s an alarm,the amygdala sends out a distress signal to the brain which in turn sets off a whole host of bioemotional fireworks.
Because the amygdala circuits transmit information twice as fast as your neocortex (or your thinking/rational brain) your thinking brain doesn’t stand a chance at rationally processing the conflict.
And by the time your thinking brain gets into the act it’s too late because your hair-trigger response just got done ripping your relationship apart like a tornado in a trailer park.
The bad news is that our brain’s architecture favors emotion over rationality.
The good news is that cutting-edge therapists now realize that the key to overcoming these emotionally explosive patterns is to help each individual get on much better terms with the feelings that are stirring up so much white-hot wrath.
To assist in helping you stop the fighting before it starts is one of the programs offered by Marriage Sherpa: Dr. Gunzburg’sSaving Your Marriage.
Inside this program and companion workbook Dr. Gunzburg walks you through 10 major relationship problems and teaches you and your spouse how to diagnose what’s amputating the love.
In Section 3 Dr. Gunzburg shows you and your spouse how you can become aware of your own internal states and modulate the emotional intensity that’s creating these meteoric mood shifts.
Dr. Gunzburg’s program will help you and your spouse begin to re-wire your relationship and shift from defensive positions that push you into corners of rage and fear to the connecting corner that promote safety and vulnerability. In section 3 and 4, you’ll explore new communication and self-awareness exercises that show you…
7 highly effective habits for quickly defusing arguments…
5 guidelines for nurturing deeper intimacy…
10 techniques for making you fall in love all over again…
You’ll learn how to talk, listen and defuse the emotional landmines before they destroy any postive groundwork you lay.
Inside Section 2,you’ll explore what’s stopping you from rebuilding the emotional connection and section 10 will lay the groundwork for protecting yourmarriage by building a fence that nobody can penetrate.
Dr. Gunzburg’s program is one of the most effective alternatives to counseling you can find online and today we’re extending our special offer that we introduced earlier.
The art of communication. Always a learning process.
You can get Dr. Gunzburg’s here