A Marriage In Crisis – What Next?

Hello,

I’ve observed that we live in an ADD – OCD culture. What are the effects on your marriage

You may flit from thought to thought, project to project and for the life of you find it difficult to maintain your focus. Our medical community labels this as Attention Deficit Disorder and prescribes medication.

ADD And Your Marriage

Social Media Has No Place In The Marriage Bed.

Or you may work extremely hard controlling your environment or the people in your world. You want to feel safe and mentally become exhausted plotting and arranging your world so it feels safe. Our medical community labels this an Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and prescribes medication.

In the first case it seems impossible to focus on anything for a period of time. In the second case your focus is so narrow you miss what is important.

The intent of both ADD and OCD is to manage your tension.

When a marriage crisis invades your life you find it extremely difficult to maintain your focus on the core issues in your marriage crisis.

You struggle to “keep on track.” Your spouse also may wander. A meaningful connection feels illusive and difficult to maintain.

Here are a few specific circumstances that typically make it difficult to maintain the focus necessary to resolve effectively and permanently your marriage crisis:

1. You tend to back off your energy and commitment once the pain recedes. Pain is a motivator. Pain is a reminder. Pain suggests you keep focused on repairing and rebuilding.

And, if you are like most, you deplore pain.

Professionals have observed over the years that counseling, whether individual or couple, has relief expectations. The medical community again describes counseling as “treatment.” And, the ultimate goal, at least in our culture, is relief from the discomfort.

Once relief or pain reduction is achieved, it’s been observed untold couples and individuals call a halt to not only counseling but also the process of shifting and addressing any elephant left sitting in the room.

2. Others will distract you from the often complex but exciting rebuilding process. Your family and friends again, don’t want you to suffer (probably because it reminds them of THEIR suffering) and so they offer simplistic and pop culture solutions.

And so you hear, “Get rid of him/her. I wouldn’t put up with that! Why do you put up with that? Just work harder. Meet his/her needs. You need counseling. Spend more time together. Hey, I just read this book on marriage….” Etc.

They fail to “get” your journey or the depth to which you desire healing and restoration.

And, if you change too much, become someone different, you may pose a threat to their sense of familiarity.

3. The lure of the familiar may be too much.

To embrace a world of powerful love, an intimacy that craves depth and understanding, a self that desires to be more vulnerable and give and receive more expectantly means you are moving into the unknown.

There are moments of doubt and concern for those who truly want to move into that world of intimacy.

The old self, the self that could predict the response of your partner, although not what you wanted, still relishes the familiar.

And so, you might back off your new path. You might one day slide back to the familiar world of lack and distance.

This may be especially true if your spouse finds the new path extremely difficult and resists.

Keeping your focus on the path of restoration and a deepening intimacy has its challenges.

Lets look at just a few suggestions on what you can do to better maintain your focus.

1. Find like-minded people that support and encourage you.

It may be difficult to find such a group locally.

This is where the power of the internet serves you.

Hundreds of those who have read , “Break Free From the Affair” not only found the materials extremely helpful, but used support groups and chat rooms have been established online.

Many attest to the healing power of those groups and relationships. Some, who lived in proximity to each other, would gather locally to continue their support.

2. Read. Keep informed. Learn.

When I face a crisis I usually have 3-5 books on the topic open and reading. I devour new information.

Knowledge IS power.

A new world opens. (Do you suppose one of the purposes of a crisis is to do just that – open a new world?)

3. Journal and write, if it fits you.

Writing for some, is a powerful way to keep your mind and spirit focused.

The words often flow freely when I write. It’s as if words come from within me automatically and freely.

Those words express most fully at the moment what I need and must express to complete the next chapter of my journey.

4.  Have a Personal Coach

Many find it helpful to contract for coaching sessions as a way to keep focused and accelerate the change process.

Weekly sessions provide a framework of accountability. (What will I focus on this week? What do I really want to see happen and experience?)

Coaching sessions are also vital to maintain your self esteem and sense of well being.

It is extremely easy for feelings and thoughts of worth to slide down the toilet in a marital crisis.

A coaching presence lets you know that you truly are OK, have value and worth and do have much to offer.

A Marriage Crisis Does Not Have To Be Enduring!

5. Place a rubber band on your wrist and when your mind and heart wanders to the negativity, snap back to reality.

This trick is especially helpful when you identify a negative theme or way of thinking that triggers a long and hard slide to illusions and distortions about yourself or your spouse that become self-defeating and destructive.

6. Reframe your pain.

Think of your pain as your friend.

Think of your pain as a part of you that is merely suggesting you seek another way of thinking, feeling and acting that will bring deeper joy and more meaning in your life.

Just notice your pain. Acknowledge your pain.

And, this may sound a little weird, listen to your pain.

Your pain or that part of you will let you know what you really want.

It will keep you focused on moving into the next wonderful chapter of your life and relationship.

You need not allow circumstances or your internal struggle to knock you off focus.

Use the suggested tools to keep you on target, moving toward a life and relationship that keeps a smile on your face and warmth in your heart.

Sincere regards,

Laurence

Posted in Adultery and marriage, alcohol and marriage, divorce, emotional abuse, Emotional Infidelity, extra-marital affair help, flirting, healthy marriage, Love, marital crisis, MARRIAGE, marriage communication, marriage makeover, Marriage Warning Signs, nagging, physical abuse, post affair emotions, Post Affair Recovery, saving a marriage alone, saving your marriage, senior marriage, social media and your marriage, spousal abuse | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

You Need To Stop Trying To Fix Your Marriage

The First Radical Unconventional Mind Twisting Step to EASY LOVE …Stop Trying to Fix Your Marriage

Don’t dive in!

If your marriage is in shambles, broken and and you are emotionally falling apart, don’t… please don’t… jump in and try to fix it.

No date nights. No plans for a romantic getaway. No plea for counseling. No, “Let’s sit down and talk about this.” No trying to meet your other’s needs. No ultimatums. No becoming a chameleon to what you think your other wants. No outbursts. No drama. No attempts at calm rational persuasion. No stone silence. No guilt trips. No new trick you just learned online to get “more” from your other.

None of that.

Your best laid plans and most conventional strategies won’t work!

As a matter of fact, they will backfire and make your situation worse.

Why?

What you are Taught about Fixing a Marriage is All Wrong

Because you are too tense. Your anxiety controls.

And, when you are tense, your best intentions, backed perhaps by seemingly solid and traditional advice, will blow up in your face.

You don’t get this. You are not taught this. You are taught and encouraged to jump in and fix it.

The Number 1 Marriage Killer

Readers were asked to respond to a survey and in one word answer the question: “What, in your opinion, is the number 1 factor that kills a marriage?”

marriage killers

Scan the chart. Which word would you use to describe the #1 marriage killer?

When the question was posed , I had MY one word in mind.

It didn’t surprise me that My word was NOT on that list of the first 210 responses was not on that list.

MY guess was TENSION or anxiety and its close cousin, worry.

A couple people on the chart mentioned fear, which comes close, since fear is the root of tension and worry. I will touch on that later when we look at fear factors that rip a marriage and operate within the context of traditional martial self help methods.

Tension Makes You, Your Efforts and Your Marriage Ugly

Have you ever been around a tense anxious person?

Of course you have. Remember that experience?

Being around a tense and anxious person is not a pretty picture. You quickly pick up on the tension, feel it spreading into your cells, and find yourself defending, explaining, frustrated, on edge or just plain walk away.

And if you are in the midst of a marital crisis that is rocking your soul, it must be obvious to you that you ARE tense. You worry. You are afraid. You may find it difficult to stop the catastrophic and negative thoughts. You easily become an emotional basket case when your world of love and family is threatened.

Tension = Recycling Marital Garbage

Your automatic response to your tension and your partner’s automatic response to your tension set up cyclical patterns: you continue to recycle your marital garbage.

There is no space in the tension. There is no calm either in you, your spouse or the marriage.

You cannot love when you are tense. You cannot accept and trust love when you worry and are racked with anxiety.

You fear moving close when you are tense. You fear moving away when you are tense.

Love and loving falls far short of your dreams and hopes for your marriage or relationship.

True and Lasting Love is EASY

Loving and being loved should be easy.

True love is EASY. There is a flow with a Love that is EASY. This love just happens. This love emerges from seeming nowhere. This love is effortless. This love is a gift.

This love you can have.

But, you cannot have it; it is beyond your reach when you dive in with your tension laden and fearful soul to fix it and capture it.

You cannot make love happen. You cannot make your partner love you.

Love just is.

Welcome a Loosey Goosey You and a New True Love

Such love is found when particular conditions are present.

To move toward those conditions you first must warm up and create the environment in which your tension diminishes.

You must cultivate those conditions in which you find yourself “loosey goosey.”

Loosey Goosey means you are relaxed. You accept. You are ready for each moment. You embrace each moment, learning from it and valuing its offering.

The effort, the “working on it” the trying to fix it and make it happen fade.

The Marriage Warm Up

Warm up.

Athletes are taught to warm up prior to competition.

You warm up before you work out or run or engage in physical exercise.

Singers warm up their voices.

Musicians warm up their muscles and tune their instruments.

And, so you warm up, relax and enter that state of Loosey Goosey in which the tightness of your tension and worry evaporates.

Then, the intimacy, understanding, communication and connection flows with greater power, passion and ease.

Relax? When this is happening. How????

OK. Fine, you say. But, how in the world does this happen? Tell myself to relax and chill? Fat chance!

A number of solid resources have been created that help you “Warm up,” lower your tension and worry and create the environment for the EASY LOVE Laws to flow with their power.

Please realize this movement from tension to ease is a fairly large shift.

Sub Programs to Shift to a Loosey Goosey You and Hope for Your Marriage

Sub programs have been created to guide you through this process.

Each program focuses on a specific condition that creates a fertile ground for you to shift from the terror of your tension to a relaxed acceptance of your good and the good of the marriage.

Keep in touch for updates!

Click Above To Begin To Save Your Marriage.

Sincere regards,

Laurence

Posted in alcohol and marriage, divorce, emotional abuse, emotional affair, Emotional Infidelity, flirting, healthy marriage, Love, marital anxiety, marital crisis, marital stress, MARRIAGE, marriage communication, marriage makeover, Marriage Warning Signs, nagging, physical abuse, post affair emotions, saving a marriage alone, saving your marriage, senior marriage, social media and your marriage, spousal abuse | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Saving Your Marriage And The Emotional Affair

Emotional Infidelity: 18 smart things to do when faced with an emotional affair

A common plea in emotional infidelity: But, we’re “just friends.” However the “emotional connection” is quite obvious by the  amount of time spent in communication and the “vibes” that are  set off.

These emotional connections often arise at work or in a social  context in which working intensively toward a common goal  consumes energy.

Emotional Affairs

Emotional Infidelity Can Be Hazardous To Your Marriage.

This type of affair usually corresponds closely with Affair #4, outlined in the ebook, Break Free From the Affair. This is an extramarital affair in which the cheating spouse “fell out of love…and just loves being in love.”

Here are 18 smart things you should do if you are confronted with an emotional affair:

1. Hang onto your seat. Drama rules in emotional infidelity.

2. Don’t allow him/her to tell you about the other person.

3. Expect juvenile behavior (love notes, special names, etc.)

4. Refuse to buy into the silly notion that they are “in love.” In reality, it’s a sign of personal neediness and inner emptiness.

5. Laugh when s/he says to you, “I love you, but am not in love with you.”

6. Refuse to question your capacity to love.

7. Refuse to attend romantic comedy movies or read grocery checkout tabloids which espouse this type of shallow love.

8. Refuse to plead, beg and promise.

9. Tell him/her you would like to be married to an adult.

10. Tell him/her good luck in redoing his/her adolescence.

11. Refuse to accept his/her remorse for hurting you. State: You will only hurt yourself. I will be more than fine.

12. Contextualize – use short, powerful, reality oriented statements when handling emotional infidelity such as:

– You know your feelings for him/her will fade, don’t you?
– You seem so needy and unsure most of the time.
– Is there ever any quiet in your life?                                                                              

– You certainly have passion. Hope it doesn’t bite you.

13. Induce reality.

14. Refuse to be the sugar daddy or the doting mother.

15. Ask Yourself: Do I REALLY want to be married to this person.

16. Refuse to compare yourself to the other person. You are not defective!

17. Slow the pace. Learn to be silent with him/her. Don’t buy into the drama.

18. Expect his/her feelings for the other person to fade.

For more information on the emotional affair or affair #4: I fell out of love… and just love being in love, click on the banner below:

Sincere Regards,

Laurence

 

Posted in Adultery and marriage, alcohol and marriage, emotional abuse, emotional affair, Emotional Infidelity, extra-marital affair help, flirting, healthy marriage, Love, marital anxiety, MARRIAGE, marriage communication, marriage makeover, Marriage Warning Signs, nagging, physical abuse, post affair emotions, Post Affair Recovery, saving a marriage alone, saving your marriage, senior marriage, social media and your marriage | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Join Us For Another Marriage Webinar.

Tonight could be the  game-saver in your marriage.

Here’s What I Like About You

By Dr. Robert Huizenga

I want to give you credit.

I want to acknowledge your effort.

You are amazing.

Why?

Because you are reading this, which means you are giving your marriage 110%.

RestoringYour Marriage

You Can Restore Your Marriage – Tonight

You are searching; you are leaving no stones unturned to find the Tool or the idea or the strategy that will melt the hurt, pain, distance and frustration into acceptance, joy and love.

You care.

You are receptive.

You want to learn.

You want more!!!

And I bet, some days you think it’s really difficult, really hard to make and see good change in your marriage  or relationship.

You’ve read so many books and articles, tried so many strategies and techniques and yet that warm wonderful love eludes you and the marriage.

Sometimes it seems so difficult.

Join me in my Webinar tonight at 9:00 PM EST – “The Self Healing Marriage – How to Unleash Hidden Love” -and discover why it seems so hard and what you can do (or not do) to break through to uncover and unleash a love that defies your wildest imagination.

Register now.

http://www.saveamarriageforever.com/webinar-intro/

 
What if I want to attend but I have a schedule conflict?

No worry. All those who Register for the Seminar, whether they attend or not, will have an opportunity to view the Webinar when later posted online. You will receive an email with access information when it is posted.

Register while you can.

Registration cuts off with 50 registrants. The software only accommodates 50 attendees.

Register now… before it’s too late.

http://www.saveamarriageforever.com/webinar-intro/

I hope to see you tonight in the Webinar.
Great time!
Sincere regards,
Laurence
Posted in alcohol and marriage, divorce, Emotional Infidelity, extra-marital affair help, flirting, healthy marriage, Love, marital anxiety, MARRIAGE, marriage communication, marriage makeover, Marriage Warning Signs, nagging, physical abuse, Post Affair Recovery, saving a marriage alone, saving your marriage, senior marriage, social media and your marriage, spousal abuse | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment