Intimacy In Your Marriage – Where Has It Gone?

 

 Intimacy in Marriage: Men and Intimacy

Restoring Intimacy In Your Marriage

You Can Work At Making it Happen -Restoring The Intimacy In Your Marriage.

Introduction: Intimacy in Marriage

Dr. Bob Huinzenga writes:

I recently offered a new report “7 Reasons Men have Difficulty Getting Close and Staying Close” to my readers and asked for their responses.

I wanted to determine how the report was helpful; how it enabled them to gain awareness, make shifts and feel better with their spouses.

I offered an 89 point check list for them to determine the specific coping pattern or reason their spouse gave or acted upon for maintaining emotional distance and avoiding intimacy in marriage.

Intimacy in Marriage: The Need for Validation

This reader responded to the report and exercise by saying:

“I can clearly see my husband’s operating style from the questions. The questions just confirm that my observations and intuitions about my husband are correct and I’m not “making them up.”

My Comment:

Often your intuition is on target.

You can trust your intuition.

However, in a distant, cold or unforgiving relationship or marriage times frequently become rather crazy.

The craziness emerges from the multitude of mixed and contradictory messages.

You say: “I don’t trust you. Something is not right here. I sense it. Are you involved with someone else?”

Your spouse responds: “Of course not. You’re crazy. What’s wrong with you?” (Now these words may not be literally used, but the same message is given.) Later you discover s/he is indeed having an affair.

Your spouse says s/he loves you, yet withdraws irritably into silence when you approach. What’s the true message?

You become fused and locked into the craziness, pain and isolation. You cannot see or feel your way out. You are stuck! And, it’s not fun!

For someone to present you with an exercise that enables you to stand back, evaluate the many patterns that men use to maintain distance and avoid intimacy in marriage, and then apply it to your situation, sets you free.

You are free because you are validated. Now you know that still small voice within you is on target. What was one very familiar, but painful is now a pattern shared by many. You do know!

Sincerest  regards,

Laurence

Posted in Adultery and marriage, alcohol and marriage, divorce, emotional abuse, Emotional Infidelity, flirting, healthy marriage, Love, marital crisis, MARRIAGE, marriage communication, marriage makeover, Marriage Warning Signs, nagging, physical abuse, post affair emotions, Post Affair Recovery, saving a marriage alone, saving your marriage, social media and your marriage, spousal abuse | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

You Got Married – Why?

Why did you and your spouse get married?

I assume you’ve asked that question, especially if you have one of THOSE days and feel less than blissful about your marriage.

Saving Your Marriage

The Force That Built Your Marriage Is Still Available To Sustain Your Marriage

And, of course those days come, whether you want them or not.

But, again, WHY DID you and that person get married?

Think about it.

How many potential mates did you encounter in high school? How many did you have eyes on or had eyes on you? How many crossed your path?

And, if you journeyed off to college, give me an estimate of how many potential suitors passed you on the sidewalk as you moved from class to class?

How many in your neighborhood, in your church, in the groups you joined or in your community were “eligible?”

How many do you suppose you almost brushed against in the grocery store, in restaurants, in bars or other parties?

Or, your work environment provided you with how many opportunities to find THAT person?

And, now the internet. Holy moly… image the tens of thousands available right beneath your busy finger tips on the keyboard.

You don’t need a calculator to determine that thousands of potential THAT persons paraded before you; and yet, you chose not one of them, and were not chosen by one of them; but, instead, you chose the person you are with now.

What brought you together?

Did you rationally sit down, go over your prospects, create a pro and con list, settle on your best choice, gave that person a call and said, “We are going to get married?”

Of course not.

You married THAT person because you were mutually drawn to one another.

Out of the hundreds of thousands of possibilities, the two of you, out of mutual desire, came together.

Was there physical attraction? Of course.

Was there “chemistry.” Yup.

Was there “love.” You certainly thought you were “in love.”

Remember what that was like?

And, there were other reasons as well; some, perhaps with less than Idealistic motives; i.e. it’s time! It’s the thing to do. Family is exerting pressure, internal promises from the past, etc.

I contend that there was a “force” that brought you together; a force that moved to and through you beyond your conscious awareness and rational thought.

You were meant to be together at that point in time. You were prodded internally and led to one another.

You were given one to the other.

So, where has all that gone?

It’s still there.

But, perhaps hidden or buried beneath the eventual hostility/fear/indifference that emerges over time in a marriage of deep emotional investment.

It is my contention that this “force” brought you together.

That over time, because of internal fears of loving, feelings of lack and inadequacy, discovering that performance doesn’t always work and from listening to the media, family and friends, self help gurus, the church and a culture bound by it’s own fears and hostilities you lost contact with your “force.”

Your “force” is still there.

And, once you tap into this “force” your marriage or relationship will heal itself.

And, you will truly know the meaning of love.

Save Your Marriage Today

The Same Force That Brought You Both Together Is Still Available To Save Your Marriage.

Warm regards,

Laurence

Posted in alcohol and marriage, divorce, emotional abuse, emotional affair, Emotional Infidelity, extra-marital affair help, flirting, healthy marriage, Love, marital anxiety, marital stress, MARRIAGE, marriage communication, marriage makeover, Marriage Warning Signs, nagging, physical abuse, post affair emotions, saving a marriage alone, saving your marriage, senior marriage, social media and your marriage | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

What Could Be Killing Your Marriage

Only 1% Get What’s Really Killing Their Marriage

I wanted to send out another reminder of Dr. Huinzenga’s Marriage Webinar. A lot of my readers received this information via direct e-mail.  If you might be interested in getting further heads up information, please fill out the sign-up form on this page.

A survey, asking that question, “What’s Killing Your Marriage?” and only 2 out of 220 or so named the #1 Marriage Killer

Killing Your Marriage

Find Out What Could Be Killing Your Marriage



Here’s a summary of the list. Which two responses do you think fit the answer I was looking for?




Next Tuesday night 9:00 PM EDT I will point out the #1 Marriage Killer and what couples can do to stare it down and overcome it.

Register here for the webinar “The Self Healing Marriage – How to Uncover Hidden Love.”

The Webinar is limited to 50 ‘seats.” Make sure you get one!

http://www.saveamarriageforever.com/webinar-intro/

Love is so elusive for most because few are taught to get to the CORE issues that generate distance, frustration, anger, hurt and pain.

Bottom line: I want you to experience and feel deeply a love that is EASY and lasting.

Join Dr. Bob Tuesday night.

P.S. If the time on Tuesday night is a problem, still register. I will record the Webinar and it will be available for you later.
Hope to see you and your spouse then for some good marriage solutions.
Laurence
Posted in Adultery Survival Guide, alcohol and marriage, divorce, emotional abuse, Emotional Infidelity, extra-marital affair help, flirting, healthy marriage, Love, marital anxiety, marital stress, MARRIAGE, marriage communication, marriage makeover, Marriage Warning Signs, nagging, post affair emotions, Post Affair Recovery, saving a marriage alone, saving your marriage, senior marriage, social media and your marriage, spousal abuse | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

11 Helpful Steps To Save Your Marriage

Helpful tips to save your marriage

Save Your Marriage Guide

 

Save Your Marriage with Love Thoughts

You Can Save Your Marriage

In the professional and self help community it’s commonly understood that your thinking creates reality.

What you think about becomes your world. The thoughts in your mind color how you see and experience your world.

Your thoughts and those images swirling around those thoughts generate your feelings. You focus (or think) on the ugly and your life feels ugly. You dwell in your mind on the beautiful and you feel more beautiful.

Let’s apply that to your marriage emotional investment.

How do you think about your marriage ? Notice the thoughts and how they color and form how you feel.

Your thoughts change and transform over time, sometimes taking on a dark side.

You fall in love and you have idealized and powerful love thoughts: s/he is the one, we are soulmates, s/he meets my every need, s/he completes me, he is my knight in shining armor, she is my princess, I can’t wait to be with him/her, I can’t get him/her out of my mind, etc.

As time passes and you become aware of the human being with foibles and fears the thoughts alter.

Your thoughts now are: what happened to us? S/he is pulling away, I’m frustrated with him/her, I feel alone, why does s/he always do that? Why won’t s/he talk to me? That is starting to bother me, s/he doesn’t appreciate me like s/he did, s/he doesn’t pay attention to my needs, etc.

And then a marriage lull or crisis emerges and the “Love” you had for each other is called into question and examined.

You want more. You remember with fondness the “old days” together. You long for the connection; you long for those loving thoughts that brought warm feelings to your world.

If how you think creates your reality, it’s only a small step to realize that changing your thinking about your other or your self in relationship to your other will generate change.

Now, I’m not saying that changing your thinking is easy; far from it. 99% of your thoughts are bound and gagged with fear. (I talk more about a fear-based marriage and relationships in other areas.)

But for now, I just want you to think about a term: Love Thoughts. Lets look at a number of paths that help you move from fear-based thoughts to Love Thoughts.

In this article merely begin thinking about your capacity for Love Thoughts.

Here are 11 keys to wrapping your mind around the concept of Love Thoughts.

Tips For Saving Your Marriage

You Can Save Your Marriage

1. A Love Thought represents an attitude, how you think and feel about the marriage, and your other in the marriage. A Love Thought is your position. It is a stance you take. It is a belief you have that guides how you feel and what you do.

2. Love Thought is a frame you place around your interaction and connection. You place what happens between you and your other within that frame. A frame is the big picture of how you envision the marriage.

3. Love Thoughts change. From the introduction that is obvious; from the frame of an idealized love to a frame of a marriage scarred and sometimes struggling.

4. Love Thoughts can be modified, if you pay attention to them. If you don’t bring them to your awareness, they will control your feelings, thoughts and direction of your relationship. Being aware of them ushers in modification. Being unaware of them locks you in the victim and helpless role.

5. Some Love Thoughts represent a theme or pattern for you, for your other or for the marriage. Love Thoughts tend to cluster and build on one another. Modify one Love Thought and others may be transformed as well.

6. Love Thoughts have an intensity. Some are more emotionally intense than others. Some grab you by the heart. Others are like white noise in the background.

7. Love Thoughts occur at different frequencies. One Love Thought rumbles through your mind and heart daily or more often. Others, not so often.

8. Once you change a Love Thought, it follows that you change how you respond to yourself internally and to your other. You feel and watch movement.

9. The capacity to be aware of, engage, and modify a Love Thought gives you a tremendous feeling of personal power and control. This is especially freeing if you feel like your relational world is coming to an end and you have no influence over your other.

10. A Love Thought helps you identify who you are and what is vitally important to you. You begin to take a stand with firmness and compassion. Loving no longer demands performance or game playing.

11. A Love Thought enables you to shift your focus from your other to your self. Your marriage no longer depends on you pleasing or sacrificing – a surefire way to generate frustration. You now enter the realm of knowing and being known and mutually delighting in that.

Love Thoughts or the absence of them (Fear-based Thoughts) run on a continuum, depending on your type of marriage (Red, Yellow or Green.)

The Red marriage is marred by Fear-based Thoughts. You feel more like a victim, helpless and deeply stuck in a web that drains life from you, your relationship and your family.

The Yellow marriage has more of a balance between Fear-based Thoughts and Love Thoughts. In general, the Yellow Marriage leaves you with more frustrated and conflicted thoughts.

The Green marriage has a predominance of Love Thoughts. A Green marriage creates and sustains EASY LOVE and is bound by the 3 EASY LOVE Laws. This is what couples shoot for, although a minority of couples reach this level.

For more info on creating EASY LOVE, following the 3 EASY LOVE Laws and Love Thoughts go to: www.saveamarriageforever.com/ebook

My best to you today,

Laurence

Posted in alcohol and marriage, divorce, emotional abuse, Emotional Infidelity, flirting, healthy marriage, Love, marital anxiety, MARRIAGE, marriage communication, marriage makeover, Marriage Warning Signs, nagging, physical abuse, Post Affair Recovery, saving your marriage, social media and your marriage, spousal abuse | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment